The Fear of Being Found, Hurt

The Fear of Being Found, Hurt

Hey folks, my name is, uh, uh, let’s go with Fay, that will work, Billy Bob said I could come and talk to you about something and maybe you would listen to me. I can’t be seen, I can’t be found, I am so, so scared, but let me do this, so you can get to know more of why some of us are out here.

I am in my 40s, married, and a college graduate, and I had a great job and a good home. Money in the bank and a family that cared, but that has all changed. Good morning, Fay, can I sit in to just be here for you and with you? Sure Frankie, I appreciate it, this is really tough, more than I thought. You go ahead and tell your story; I have your back.

My other half was that one that everyone dreamed about marrying then about 9 years in things started changing. He lost his job; the finances got a little tight. We could not have kids, he got mean. Nobody would believe me, even with the bruises, even with the bumps, the cuts, the missed work, he was just mean. I was told that the emergency room trips were just attention-getting behaviors because I was mentally unwell.

One night in the emergency room, after he beat me soundly, they told me it was not good for me to go home, but they said that the shelters were full and they could not help me, no place to turn and family was no help. Sadly, the police could only offer an arrest that may or may not hold him in jail for a short period of time and the infamous restraining order.

Family would not come and help, they refused, and they were afraid of him too. So, I walked out of the emergency room into the deep darkness of night and disappeared, literally disappeared.

 I did not take my phone, my purse, or identification, no way for me to be traced or found. But Fay how did you get the medications and stuff you needed to recover? I did not get anything Pete, nothing, and I have been struggling ever since. The bad part is this, I know I cannot surface or go back at any time soon, I may lose my life if I do and that is the hard part.

Restraining orders, those my dear folks are a false sense of security.  Bullets, knives, and ropes do not know restraining orders, and they do not work. Without a safe place to go to where you cannot be found, they do not help you. The other quick answer we often get is to go to a church, why?  They are not equipped to help, and they do not understand the issues, they simply are not connected to the world in a way that could help or have a set of answers.

Too often the one who is hurting a spouse has sneaky ways to get around that protective order and it ain’t discovered until the body is found. Fay, you have seen this in real life, haven’t you? Yes, Pete I have, I lost a good friend to domestic violence and she had a protective order. Darn, that is wrong Fay!

I have nothing to my name. No one knows where I am at, no matter how some have looked for me they cannot find me, I will not let him kill me. I have reduced myself to invisibility to just stay alive long enough to maybe think, maybe find an answer, maybe get into a shelter. I can only wonder how to make this understandable to those who have never experienced violence so they can start helping us.

 Fay, those with homes are often blinded to that which destroys comfortable zones, and violence is one of those subjects. They may never want to understand. Billy Bob, that ain’t right. I know, it is just reality.

Hey folks, Fay is going to join us for coffee, and we are going to talk some more, you folks are clueless when it comes to violence. I mean which would you choose homelessness or death, which would you choose for yourself? Hey everybody, this is Fay, she wants to talk, she has been going through a lot out here and is tired, real tired. Morning, I am Barb, I know your story, and that is why I am out here also.

Morning I am Johnny Boy, here have some fresh coffee friend. I am truly sorry you had to disappear, I am Pete, and we have already spoken. Fay, as you can tell we take care of each other out here, and sadly your story is not strange to us. Thanks, guys, it feels good not being alone and afraid and frightened all the time.

It is hard to imagine that this nation is so clueless about violence, especially domestic violence, it has been going on for so long and it is hidden from sight, but America loves her secrets. Johnny Boy are there very people going through this right now? More than you could imagine, about 35 to 37 out of 100 of all homeless women are out here hiding from violence. Darn, that is crazy bad, something must change.

Frankie the tough part is the number of homeless children that are brought about because of the domestic violence, the numbers are off the charts. Kids! Fay, is that accurate? Yes, Frankie, it is, mine are now living with the in-laws, sadly. The truth is this, often the violence is not just against the spouse, it can include the kids.  When the wife vanishes, she will take the children to protect them.  It complicates everything but leaving them is not acceptable unless she can find a person she literally trusts with her life. Fay, we need to make some changes in this nation, and soon.

Fay the numbers are never good for one who is being hurt by their spouse, are they? No Pete they are not. So many cities will admit that it is often the primary cause for homelessness, I mean nearly 50% of them, but still no solutions. That is simply dumb. But, Pete you also have to remember the person doing the beating is wicked in many other ways.

They work to isolate, to separate, and to make that one feel totally and completely cut off from any source of help, totally helpless.  I mean there is a growing trend among housing providers to not even rent to one coming out of Domestic Violence. But Fay how is she supposed to make it through to the other side? There are no answers, Pete.

Hey, Folks, it’s me Billy Bob, sorry about the intensity, but I really am not sorry, it is tough watching people struggle and knowing that no one gets a darn at all. All the social workers and Non-Profits, and Agencies have their numbers, graphs, and fantastic word salad games nailed numbers, but they don’t understand reality! To have these women on the streets to literally avoid beatings and possible death while the beater and their family ignore the rule of law, and the police are helpless to help them is beyond sad.